The loud explosion tore the stillness of the night. I woke up to my father’s shouting, “Get up! Japanese air raid!” Fear grasped me as planes roared overhead and bombs crashed all around. When I was buried to my bed at the moment, my father grabbed me and we hurdled toward the darkness outside the torn-down door with my father and sister.
Outside the darkness was chased away by tongues of flame stretching hundred of meters into the night sky. Thick, acrid smoke swirled down the devastated streets. The incendiary bombs rained down from the night sky, sparkling and spraying sparks. I looked up, being entranced. “Look! Like meteors! So beautiful!” I murmured.
Since I could run faster than my mother and sister so from time to time, I would stop to look back. However, as the road was inundated with a flood of people running around and screaming chaotically, I lost trace of them. I looked around with my threatened eyes, desperately searched for their silhouettes. Thousands of faces were whirling past but none looked familiar to me. Suddenly, a cold shiver was sent down my spine and I was overcome with intense panic. I began to scream and cry as loudly as I could. I soon became bathed with my own perspiration and tear.
1 comment:
"Fear grasped me "
Either
1)Fear gripped me
or
2)Fear held me in its grasp
-more appropriate
"When I was buried to my bed"
-'When' implies 'soon to happen' but in this case you are already buried in your bed; so correct phrase is
"WHILE I remained buried IN my bed"
"Thick, acrid smoke swirled down the devastated streets. The incendiary bombs rained down from the night sky, sparkling and spraying sparks."
-Good expression here.
-You involve the readers senses
-However, 'sparkling and spraying sparks' is redundant;both are the same thing
" I looked up, being entranced. “Look! Like meteors! So beautiful!” I murmured."
-'I looked up, entranced'
"However, as the road was inundated with a flood of people running around and screaming chaotically, I lost trace of them"
-Good use of vocab here
"I looked around with my threatened eyes, desperately searched for their silhouettes."
Either
a)I looked around with my threatened eyes desperately SEARCHING for their silhouettes
or
b)I looked around with my threatened eyes AND desperately searched for their silhouettes
"Suddenly, a cold shiver was sent down my spine and I was overcome with intense panic."
-When you say 'was sent' it implies someone 'sent' it- in this case, that concept is not appropriate
'Should be a cold shiver went down my spine'
" soon became bathed with my own perspiration and tear."
-Spot the grammar mistake here
"Together, we darted along a narrow lane filled with eerie orange glow from the scorched ruins around."
-missing a 'the'; find where it should be.
Well done.
Notice that in this essay, the way I'm correcting you is slightly different now?
More on your concepts and use of ideas; rather than just simple grammar and tense.
The length is good as you manage to compact good description into short paragraph but don't end abruptly. Even if you want to keep readers in suspense
You could insert a little reflection on your fate.Example:
"Together, we darted along a narrow lane filled with the eerie orange glow from the scorched ruins around. Where would this stranger take me? To safety or to harm? I didn't know but he was my only hope at this time as I was truly lost...
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