Suddenly, a 5-year-old child ran across the road, and his mother came chasing after him. I slammed on the brakes and yanked the wheels. The car skidded, the tires screeched. I lost control of the car. It continued skidding on the avenue until it crashed into a parked truck. I could feel my forehead was bleeding. I felt dizzy and my eyes dropped momentarily.
I opened my eyes slowly and was sshocked by the intravenous injection and the feeding pipe running down the edge of the bed and finally piercing through my skin. Everything was white. My white clothes. White bed sheet. White blanket. The atmosphere was so silent that even the “tick-tick” of the electrocardiogram placed on the table besides my bed could be heard. I tried to move my limbs. My left hand and left leg could be lifted up a little. How about the other two? I did not feel anything and after a few minutes trying, I could not believe my eyes. They could not move! I broke out into tears. Vain and pain gripped my heart and at that moment, I fell unconscious again.
When I woke up, there was a doctor besides my bed.
“Calm down! I know how you feel but accept it and be happy that the accident did not take your life!” he said in a mellow tone.
“How do I live with this disabled body? It is even worse than hell! Worse than hell!” I yelled back at him.
“No, it is not hell because you are alive. There is still hope if you keep yourself happy and make good use of some physical therapies. Your disability is not forever. It can be healed. Understand?”
“…Only if you keep yourself elated can miracle happen. I assure you can recover then, of course not fully, but you can walk and leave this place. Ok?” he continued.
Silence covered us and I felt as if I was drowning in a sea of despair.
My room was a two-bedded one. There was a man suffering from prostatic cancer. His name was John and John was in is his last state of the disease. That means he could not live longer than half a year more. I did not know where he was going to face his own death but we soon became good friends as there were only two of us in this ‘separate’ world. With him, I felt less lonely and that life was somehow meaningful as we shared our beautiful memories.
Every evening, he sat up, leaned against the wall, looked outside the window and described what were happening there as I requested. This is one of his descriptions: “The rain has just stopped, my old friend (the name he usually called me). The murky clouds are pulling apart like curtains, revealing the sapphire sky. The peach-colored sun hangs brilliantly above the horizon, reflected by the sparkling ocean now surrounds the beach. Children are playing their toys. Some are slashing water at each other and some are pulling their mother’s dress. Couples spot the area, hugging and kissing each other. Wow! What a pure, untouched and unspoiled beauty, man!” His descriptions gave me a lot of imaginations and I really felt as if I had been walking along that marvelous beach.
Days had been crossed off the calendar quickly until I was announced that my hope to recover is now possible due to my positive altitude. I felt as if I had been on the moon and the first one I broke the news with was John. He did not say anything, just frowned and turned away. That day he did not talk to me anything. He might be tired then?
The next three days, I had not seen him once. I was transferred to sleep on his bed. Feeling curious, I asked the nurse and found out John was dead while sleeping. He could not endure any longer and had left this old friend behind without a goodbye. I stoned and fell into deep silence. Suddenly, remembering the wonderful outside world he told me, I asked her to help me sit up. However, all I saw was just a blank wall. No beach. No sun. No couples.
“Where are the beach and the people there? Has the wall just been built?” I frowned at the nurse.
“Who told you so?” she murmured, staring at me.
“John,” I sighed.
She replied in a soft voice, “Did you know that he was blind?”
1 comment:
1)"Sunlight slanted down the window, slithering on my white blanket."
-slight detail here.
Sunlight slanted down implies a linear, straight ray but slither implies a curving, snaking motion.
So it may not be an apt description to use together
2)"I slammed on the brakes and yanked the wheels."
-yanked implies you pulled the wheel towards you,; rather more appropriate to use the word, 'turn' or 'jerked'
3)"I could feel my forehead was bleeding. I felt dizzy and my eyes dropped momentarily."
-I could feel my forehead bleeding.
-My eyes DROOPED momentarily
4)"Vain and pain gripped my heart."
-What do you mean by vain here?
5)"“…Only if you keep yourself elated can miracle happen."
-grammar. 'miracles'
6)"I assure you can recover then, of course not fully, but you can walk and leave this place. Ok?”
-I assire you THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ACHIEVE PARTIAL RECOVERY- enought to walk and leave this place.
7)What is prsotatic cancer?
You mean prostrate cancer?
8)John was in his last STAGE of the disease; not last STATE
9)"I did not know where he was going to face his own death but we soon became good friends as there were only two of us in this ‘separate’ world. "
-I did not know WHEN he was going to face his own death
- Explain why this is a 'seperate' world' .unclear.
10)"reflected by the sparkling ocean now surrounds the beach. "
-reflected by the sparkling ocean THAT now surrounds the beach.
11)"Some are slashing water at each other and some are pulling their mother’s dress."
-SPLASHING not slashing
-why are they pulling their mother's dress? you mean they are holding on to it, right?
12)"Days had been crossed off the calendar quickly until I was announced that my hope to recover is now possible due to my positive altitude."
-grammar. .... until IT was annouce that recovery was possible for me due to my attitude
13)"That day he did not talk to me anything. He might be tired then?"
- GRammar. '...talk to me ABOUT anything.'
14)"The next three days, I had not seen him once."
- You can't see him any of th days right, you're blind at the moment!
15)"I was transferred to sleep on his bed. Feeling curious, I asked the nurse and found out John was dead while sleeping."
-Why would they transfer you to sleep in the bed of a reccently deceased man while you still have your own bed!
-GRammar 'John died while sleeping'
16)"I stoned and fell into deep silence."
- Grammar. 'I felt stoned....'
17)She replied in a soft voice, “Did you know that he was blind?”
-An interesting twist. So we have 2 blind men talking to each other.
But it introduces a lot of logically issues to deal with.
a)you mean that you don't know where the hospital is located? Even if you don't, is it likely that the hospital is situated right next to a beach?!!!!
b)Your first paragraph inplies that you are talking about John and that he is someone involved in the accident but later we find out that he is friend you meet in hospital.
You lose JOhn not through the accident but to a disease- this type of twist is a bit anti-climactic.
-You will need to define your notion and idea of darkness more clearly. Is darkness referring more to your loss of sight or the loss of your friend, or is it loss of hope?
You touch upon each of these briefly but do not develop them fully.
Overall, the use of vocab and descriptions is good but needs to be more appropriate at times.
You will need to be clear about your emotions and ideas rather than use blanket descriptions to cover such a wide range of emotions
I would give you a high B3 /low A2
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